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RIP to the Crying Clown
February 20, 2020
" There are some sad things known to man, but ain't too much sadder than the tears of a clown when there is no one around."
If, like me, you were a teenager in the peak of the Motown years these words from Smokey Robinson are probably etched in your heart. There was even a time when I luxuriated in the melancholy of such songs and I'm sure some of that melancholia was brought forward into my adult life and triggered at the loss of love. However they are very acutely brought to mind at this time. Firstly on the very sad death of Caroline Flack which should never have been allowed to happen. And secondly as I watched The Joker this week with the amazing performance of the tragic-comic lead character played by Joaquin Pheonix (what an apt name in itself to play this part).
These are two very different situations, of course. Caroline, it was quoted, 'loved to love'. Perhaps she loved too much. Perhaps her alleged accidental crime was committed in a heated moment of passionate loss of self-control - we may never know because she didn't have chance to defend herself; instead she was tried by media. But here was someone who presented to the world as having it all, although being a complex individual, was happy and vibrant and enjoying life on a cloud of celebrity. Until her fall. Even that last tragic photo of her trying to fix the TV in such a normal everyday way does not give any clue as to her unstable state of mind. And yet the very next day she took her life. I never once watched Love Island and can't comment on whether she was bullied and victimised online, but what struck me was that the person behind the celebrity mask was actually so much more vulnerable than anyone close to her realised. She was perhaps putting on the mask right up to the end. Because to do the opposite and admit to her vulnerability might have made her fall prey to even more dark forces blaming her for attention-seeking or whatever. So sad that she thought that it was better to leave this planet than call for help in her last hours. No doubt those closest to her will have to fight with the pain of believing they should have seen it coming, that they should not have left her alone for her hurt and despair to implode on itself.
The case of the Joker is quite different of course. Here we have a damaged tortured soul who, because of his disability (uncontrollable laughing in inappropriate circumstances), was bullied and ridiculed and who fantasises about making people laugh for real as a stand up. In his case, the anger and bitterness towards society and those who had ridiculed him explode and he chooses to go on a killing spree, knowing of course that he would either be killed or given life imprisonment - a different form of suicide but that it was. In his case he was given a gun for self-defence by one of his odd misguided cronies who didn't see his potential to kill, only his propensity to be a victim. Could his ensuing behaviour have been predicted?
The moral of these tales is that bad mental health may be lurking and latent in many of us, but it is simply not recognised. It might just be discounted or dismissed by us or even unwittingly fed by us because we really don't know what to do about it. We have so many small stresses of our own often placing us close to overwhelm. Our listening radar does not always function as it should.
Smokey goes on to sing:
"Now if I appear to be carefree
It's only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride
I try
to cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don't let my show convince you
I'm hurt and I want you to know
For others I put on a show."
So while we cannot hope to heal every tormented soul in our family and friend circle we can keep reminding those around us that we are always there, we are always listening. And if the chips or bagels are really down we are the listener of last resort. Any time of day or night.
Let all those in your world know that while you are around they are never alone.
Melinda Beckett-Hughes
February 2020
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I was working with one of my valued mentors today and she was asking me to think about my strengths as an executive coach and how I approach leadership. As I had just baked some sourdough bread, the dough for which I had prepared yesterday. I found myself using the analogy of levain. Levain needs at least a week to make as it needs to attract bacteria from the air but this same levain can be continuously fed and used for a lifetime. The one I used was kindly provided by a local artisan baker and was over 80 years old! When making my dough yesterday I mixed 200g of this levain with 900g of flour and 620g of water and 16g salt and after a lot of stretching and folding and a huge dollop of patience, since in Baker Jack's Recipe (see the full video on Youtube) you have to wait a total of 6 hours for it to prove, it finally went in the oven this morning. And miraculously it came out as two perfect loaves (see the evidence!). When it was sliced, still warm, through its bronzed crust you could see the fermentation and the perfect chewiness of the bread. “So what has this to do with leadership?” I hear you ask. Well think of the levain as something which is living and breathing and takes days of feeding and leaving to attract what is in its natural environment to ferment and develop fully to the perfect potency for bread making. I see this as something akin to the wisdom of the leader who has been exposed to very many different situations in his environment to be ‘ready’ to be used. It takes time, you can’t rush it and if you let it mature naturally it will last decades, provided it is fed. For flour and water substitute continuous personal and professional development through reading and learning and sharing your wisdom. So then you want to make a big crusty loaf (aka your business or team) you add the levain to the main ingredients of your dough mix and start to go through the various stages of kneading, folding, resting, waiting, proving and shaping. Sometimes a coach/leader needs to work with their team hard getting the perfect mix. Then they have to leave it alone to mature and develop. After a time she comes and does another piece of work with them and leaves for another while without interfering too much. That’s sometimes the hardest part of baking, leaving it alone and not checking the oven every 10 minutes! This can sometimes be the hardest part of being a coach/leader too – just trusting the process and not overworking the dough which can either over-ferment, lose its aeration or become fatigued and lose its structure. My mentor asked me what was my own levain that I bring to my ‘loaf’ as a Coach and I had to think hard. “Faith, determination, courage, ability to take risks, enthusiasm, charisma, positivity and humour…”. There were a few more of course. So now I am led to think about how I can use this levain in my coaching business and with my clients and how I need to keep feeding it to keep it alive to create many other loaves throughout my lifetime. Have you thought about what your levain is? How you are feeding it? How might you bring this into your own environment - both family and business - and how you can trust the process and keep producing perfect loaves? Maybe you won’t get the recipe right the first time and every time because many variables come into play like the environment you bake it. But the good news is that you always keep some levain to one side so you can keep trying!
I suspect that for most people the notion of Lent is somewhat archaic. We live in a secular society where the rhythms and rituals of the church don’t have a lot of meaning any more. Yet for some it is a time of healing and cleansing; a time to step away from some of the bad habits and behaviours we know deep down are holding us back. Personally I find the New Year a very hard time to make a fresh start with my resolutions. Quite often there has been too much eating and drinking and generally sitting around in a less productive way and the idea that the clock can turn to 12 midnight and you wake up full of resolve for the things you want to do better or stop doing just doesn’t work for me. The first week of the year is usually so slow we have not got back into any routines and when the Christmas wine delivery has not yet run out and the boxes of Celebrations are still not finished it’s nigh on impossible to keep all those great resolutions! But lent is somehow different. You are back in the swing of your year, back at work, the kids back at school, etc. The days are getting a bit longer again and the spring flowers are starting to appear. This year we have had such terrible floods and snow is still threatening, but still I feel the resolve is there to make a fresh start. And for me it will be 40 days without a glass of wine – a real killer as I love to cook most days and the ritual of a glass while I’m cooking and a second with my meal is a very hard habit to break. And yet I know that there are days when my mind is less clear and that I could be much more productive and fresher if I doubled my water intake instead. I didn’t manage it last year but this year I shall try again. But the whole point of giving something up for Lent (apart from the religious reasons if you are a Christian) has a deeper significance. Because sometimes our bad habits can mask other issues such as low self esteem or avoidance of some kind – maybe facing up to the fact that our life is not going where we had hoped. So in my mind the idea of giving something up which you hanker for is only half of the story. Perhaps it is more what you face into if you take away the little fixes. Maybe by tolerating the cravings of what you are missing, you become more self aware and more in tune with the spiritual prompts in your life. By creating that mindful space you are opening yourself up to deeper change and opportunity. At the end of the 40 days of Lent we have Easter, I think a hopeful time and, if you accept the Christian message, a chance for forgiveness and redemption and the start of a new life in Christ. And while Christmas and New Year can be a time of stress for many families, especially the worse off, perhaps Easter can be the opposite: a time when we don’t indulge ourselves but can take some more time to reflect, to just be and to figure out not only what we want from the year ahead but what God wants of us. What service can we be to the world and to other?. Maybe we all need a bit of a detox from the ‘me culture’ and instant gratification, and open ourselves to our higher calling. Melinda
Certain times of the year can prompt us to review our lives. It may be a new year, an anniversary, a significant birthday that motivates us to pause awhile and reflect on where we are, on what we’ve done with our lives and what we’d like our next steps to be. For some this could be a pleasurable few moments of reflection. We’ve achieved much of what we aimed for, have good relationships, lovely children, a successful career, good quality of life and we can smile, feeling proud and content. But for others this reflection can result in an, ‘is this it?’ response, followed by perhaps feeling stuck in a rut, trapped by circumstances and unsure what next steps might be available. A variety of constraints and limitations, fear of rocking the boat and the potential impact of changes may immediately stop further thoughts. Daily life often means we have too much on with work, balancing our finances, the responsibilities of children and family as well as maybe religious concerns to prompt further investigation. Postponing any changes for several years may seem to be the only possible course of action, but dedicating time to thoroughly considering our situation may raise other possibilities, rather than simply becoming resigned to saying, ‘I’ll wait till the children are older’, or suchlike. A new year can bring a new you who assesses life by not only acknowledging what’s happening as well as what’s not happening and then reviews ways to improve the situation. Taking ownership, exploring possible steps, how to move on, where to start can be a valuable outcome from a break or retreat at Ayuda House. Everyday life rarely allows enough time to devote to serious ‘meaning of life’ considerations. There’s scarcely time to breathe, let alone explore different options, decide it’s time to leave an unsatisfactory relationship, walk away from a well-paying job or move to the countryside and become self-sufficient! Any musings will frequently be interrupted because the laundry basket needs attention, it’s time to log onto the laptop or go and collect the children. So creating an opportunity and booking a few days away for a weekend break or retreat can be an important commitment to yourself. Setting aside time to grieve, recover from a breakup, heal after a change in circumstances or have some space after a hectic time or period of illness provides an interlude for reflection. Are we at a crossroads, what direction should we now head in? Finding answers to these questions can be a valuable investment of a few days on a retreat. Simply providing yourself with an opportunity for reflection on possible changes and adjustments can help to improve your perspective and doesn’t automatically necessitate major upheaval. Afterwards you may find you return to your day-to-day life with a calmer, healthier attitude, feeling settled and in a better place. An Ayuda House retreat can offer space for you to positively readjust your viewpoint and become more flexible and tolerant. Gaining insights helps you feel better able to introduce minor changes that make life more pleasant for everyone. An individual retreat often gives you time to dedicate to your physical and mental health and wellbeing, to focus on specific issues and concerns, perhaps through individual sessions which address nutrition, health and wellbeing. Personalised yoga, massage, fitness classes as well as counselling, hypnotherapy and coaching are all available. A group retreat dedicates time to discussions and workshops, exploring with others ways to handle wider-reaching concerns, like stress, post-divorce, assertiveness, as each attendee is invited to share their coping strategies. It can be a positive start to discover that other people have similar problems in their lives. Taking that first step with a retreat could be the most significant decision of all. Determining that something needs to change and finding ways to implement some or even all can be a wonderful start to a great new year and a new you. Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hynotherapist
Why take a Retreat?
Why it that we smart people can be so dumb when it comes to recognising when we are stuck in a bad relationship or a bad job which has become quite toxic for us? If we had a teenage daughter and she was self-harming in some way like cutting herself or starving herself we would see the immediate signs wouldn’t we? We would be shocked, saddened, want to stop it, get expert help and advice and fix the problem wouldn’t we? We might want to dig deeper and find what the source of such malaise was. Perhaps too much peer pressure or academic stress? Perhaps if it isn’t too cleverly disguised it might just be a cry for help which she actually wants her parents and carers to hear. But what if this type of self-harming and self-sabotaging behaviour is carried forward into our adult life not really checked at all? And we have become really so much more capable of the subterfuge necessary not to draw attention to our behaviours? We are well out of sight of our parents, we don’t allow our close friends to have a clear window into our world. We feel we have actually ‘made our bed so we damn well have to lie it in’. So you maybe get stuck in a relationship which seems to work quite well to start with, you are meeting each others’ needs and it’s quite fun and energising. But gradually over time, almost unnoticeably, the other person changes and becomes obsessive or controlling so that ever so slowly you feel that you are becoming dis-empowered or helpless, partly because you have become so dependent on this other person. When does a relationship go from mutual care and interest into becoming co-dependent into becoming something more controlling even coercive? How can you recognise that you are actually in some form of subtle trap and more importantly that it is now time to get out before it becomes just too difficult to make the necessary change? Arguably there are many men and women who are in this sort of trap. Sometimes the change can happen quickly enough to create a shock reaction in the other and sufficient adrenaline is released to make a hasty exit. But occasionally like the frog in the pan of boiling water the temperature rises so very gradually that the person just doesn’t react at all but just expires. They have no energy left to exit the toxic relationship they just lose themselves and the energy required to fix it or change it can seem just too much. After all, didn’t your family and friends think you were such a nice couple, and happy with each other. “You would find it so hard on your own you know, I mean so many odd people out there, better the devil you know….” Etc. The same can be true of a job after many years of tolerating something which is not fulfilling or satisfying. Of course learning to communicate your true feelings and attempting to resolve the impasse is always the right way to start (unless you feel you are truly at risk), but if that fails hire yourself a coach who can help you work through different scenarios, take ownership of your life and your future, put stronger boundaries in place and, if really necessary, make a plan to detach and move on with all the support systems in place to help you.